The War - Day One

In my last blog post I made you all a promise.  Lose weight and get healthy.  I've been thinking a lot about it, and that's about all I've been doing...thinking.  I'm going to be really open and honest here, probably more open than I've even been with myself.  I really, really, really loath myself.  Not all of me, just the part of me that can't seem to get my rear in gear and do what needs to be done.  I have tried and failed so many times, that I just quit trying.  And when I think about trying again, I become afraid.  Afraid of failure.  It's a vicious circle and not a fun one.  And logically it makes no sense...I know that.  So I'm coming here, baring my soul, and hoping to turn my head around.  I figure if I tell enough people about my whole ordeal then maybe it will be real to me too.  You know, if you say it enough times it becomes true...that kind of thing.  So here goes...

I am morbidly obese.  It hurts just to type that.  I hurt for all the things I've lost because I am fat.  So many things in life I want to do but don't, because it's hard for a fat person.  I hurt for making my children grow up with a fat mom.  I hurt for making my husband live with a fat wife.  None of us deserves what my being fat does to my family.  And I hurt for making myself unhealthy.  And I cry.  A lot.  When no one can see.  And after all of that, you would think it would make me want to change.  Apparently not.

I hate a lot of things about being fat.  I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  I hate not being able to buy clothes at a "normal" store.  I hate feeling like everyone in the grocery store is checking out what I have in my basket.  I hate having to take medication everyday that I wouldn't have to take if I'd just lose the weight.  I hate not being able to walk without getting winded.  I hate feeling guilty about most everything I put in my mouth.  I hate the shock and then the loathing I feel every time I see a picture of myself.  There's lots more...but you get the idea.  And even after all of that, you would think it would make me want to change.  Apparently not.

I realize that I may need the help of a professional to work out all the various emotions that are running around inside me.  But for now,  typing it out, and knowing I was going to be accountable to not just me, but all of you.  It helped.  And while I was working this post out in my head, I had a real "Ah ha" moment.  After I wrote about all of the things I hate about myself, I was going to write all about what a struggle it is to lose weight.  And then it hit me.  It's just as big a struggle being fat.  So it's a choice really.  Do I continue struggling as a fat person or do I start struggling to lose the weight?  I'm fed up with being a fat person, so I guess the choice is clear.

So what is next?  Well, being the list maker that I am, I have decided to make a daily check list of the things I want to do each day.  Eat right, exercise, positive thinking, etc.  My goal will be to have each thing checked off each day.  And it's visual, which I need.  It's so easy to "forget" when you don't write it down.  So that's my plan for now.

Last thing:  I want to address something I've read in many articles about weight loss.  Everyone talks about it being a journey.  That makes it sound like this nice trip that you planned.  Like you're going somewhere fun where sight seeing will be involved.  It's not nice...it's horrible, it stinks and there are no good sights to see.  Losing weight is war.  It's a war with your mind, body and soul.  And it's especially horrible if, like me, you hate to exercise.  But I have waged this war and I will not back down.  And I plan on winning.  I will keep you updated from time to time to let you know how the war is going. 

So what did I accomplish on day one of my war?  Being brutally honest and admitting how I feel.  Thanks for listening.  I appreciate your support.