Wow, I was in a writing mood and thought...it's been a while since I wrote a blog post...I should do that. Little did I know I haven't written one since December! Well, I've written them...I just haven't posted them. So today I'm going to share something I originally wrote in February. At the time the emotions were just too raw to share. This is a really emotional year for me with the wedding coming up and all that entails. I was expecting to be emotional when it came time to go dress shopping. I had no idea what the emotions of that day would really end up being...
Last night I went with my baby girl to watch her try on (and eventualy buy!) a wedding dress. I fully expected to cry, to blubber like the sap that I am. I didn't. I got teary eyed when she finally made the decision, when she finally knew that it was THE one. I was having extreme mixed emotions the whole day. I've talked often about the mix of emotions you feel as a parent. I think one thing imparticular left me unable to even cry.
When she talked about being nervous and excited to try on the dresses, it brought me right back to the time when I did the very same thing. Except my mother wasn't with me.
My mother lived in another city and was unable to come with me to shop for a dress. My mother-in-law came with me. She was so wonderful, but she was not my mother. I was sad she could not be there but I honestly NEVER thought about how she felt. Until last night. Sitting in the bridal salon, watching Beth try on dress after dress...it hit me. My mother missed this. I felt so sad in that moment. And so, I knew I had to hold back because if I let THOSE feelings go...it would not have been pretty.
I was feeling a little guilty. Had my young, 21 year old self been too selfish to try and figure out a way for my mother to be there? I don't remember the exact circumstances so I can't know for sure...but that was not a good feeling. My mother NEVER said anything about missing the event. She was great like that. And now she's gone and I'll never know just how she felt about that. So, on a night when I should have been feeling extreme joy, it was tempered a little with the realization that I had what my mother was never able to have. But, she would have been happy for me and not sad for herself. And even if she was, she never would have told anyone. I know she is happy for me...I feel it everyday.
I didn't set out to write this post this way. I wanted to talk about how hard and joyous it is to watch your baby girl turn into a woman before your eyes. But sometimes you just have to write what's in your heart and today this was it. I think it's really brought home to me the fact that my mom and dad are not here to share this with us. They would have been SO happy to see their "little peanut" get married. But I know their spirits are with us and that is very comforting.
I wish I could share a picture of the dress but we don't want the groom to see it before the big day. Obviously I will be sharing that with you at some point...probably shortly after October 26th :)
Thanks for letting me share all this with you. I hope everyone has a wonderful week! :)
[I apologize for any spelling errors...spell check is mysteriously abscent from my toolbar! I am nothing without spell check :'( ]